If karma were real

I’d like to think karma is real, but if it truly existed in the way we believe, the consequences would be far more drastic.

For starters, all the super hot girls with shitty personalities prone to idiotic conversation would get fat. At least for a few days. Guys of this ilk would experience a similar fate, except they might also get a lengthy case of shingles.

And what about rich assholes? The amount of rich assholes that die rich assholes is way too high for karma to be having any kind of lasting impact. If one does go down, he usually gets the nicer prison where you have to hope for his sodomization before you know karma is really working. I suppose sodomy doesn’t have to be a part of the equation, but suffice it to say that a prison sentence isn’t always enough.

Speaking of those who deserve sodomy (unless, of course, they like it), you got your rapists, pedophiles and sexual deviants. Time will tell what happens to Harvey Weinstein and Bill O’Reilly, but I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be enough. I’m not even sure Cosby will get his. (Did anyone else have to be reminded that in addition to playing a wholesome father on television, he was also a wholesome gynecologist? Just curious.) And then there’s Roger Ailes, who seemed to die at just the right time.

If karma were real, wouldn’t we see those aggressive road raging drivers get in more accidents immediately after acting like a child on steroids? That scene should always end with their vehicle high-centered on a median with energy drink dripping off of their stupid faces.

Yes, if karma were real, life would be more fulfilling, but some you might argue that these people could still get theirs in an afterlife of some sort that punishes those who are morally inept. I would argue, however, that isn’t karma. Call that divine intervention or what have you. For karma to work properly, it has to be in your lifetime so everyone can see it.

And while we’re looking at what karma really is, we must ask if it extends to other life forms. If so, we might want to worry. What happens if all the animals that we’ve killed, fucked with or completely wiped out get their reckoning? If karma really existed, wouldn’t the dodo have shat in the eyes of the hunters to give them all SARS? Wouldn’t buffalo have steamrolled any wagon train that came to massacre them? Wouldn’t the polar bears be taking hostages at every drilling site in the Arctic?

Since that hasn’t happened, I’m left to assume that if karma exists, a good chunk of us, if not all of us, are doomed. Mother Earth will get her retribution. So perhaps it’s better if karma isn’t real. Or maybe I should just hope not to live that long.